She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
