i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
