Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
