the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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