I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
im holly from the hills drunk
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
