i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
