Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
