I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
