why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You are the jesus of drinking
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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