I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
