Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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