The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
