Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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