I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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