my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Randomize
