I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
