wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
