New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
