so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
