when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
