this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
