I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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