if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
