Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
