That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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