Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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