Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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