I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
