He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
