You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
