So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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