I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
