bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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