Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
