yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
