I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
