i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
