I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
