What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
