Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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