Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
