Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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