yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
