Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
