She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
