Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
