I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
