You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
