I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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