I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
