I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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