you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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