before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
